Fixing This Dysfunction

Fixing this dysfunction
Requires more
Than a phone call
Or a simple touch
Meant to say
“I’m sorry.”

I’m not sure
It’s even possible
After years
Of being shut-down
Inside
Any affection
Dying
Each time
I have to see you
Or hear the phone ring
In your haphazard attempts to fix
What was

I don’t think
You yet realize
That what was
Still exists somewhere in my heart
It remembers
Each tragedy
Spun from the fabric that unraveled

Leaving strands
Scattered across
A floor now filled
With a mixture of cluttered debris
And stain-free spots
Visible amongst the chaos of leftover scripts
That weren’t meant to be written
At all

We Were Never Too Good To Dance

You once told me
That I was too good for you
Back when it was
Just another dinner
And I wanted to make up my own mind

But truth has a funny way
Of already knowing
What will transpire
If not now
Eventually
Becoming a less than opaque
Reality
Almost the way a sunrise
Begins to show us
What we weren’t sure
Existed in the night

So I told myself that I wasn’t
That you were somehow wrong
That we were okay to dance
Despite the ex who wanted revenge
And the kids that turned out okay
And you, who always felt inadequate
For being less than who they thought you were
And the rebel inside, who needed to be rescued
By someone just learning how to grow-up

You were right
But I have no regrets
That it turned into more
Than just another dinner
Or that the music we danced to
Has now evaporated
Somewhere between
A coastal breeze
And a mountain
Whose climb
Was worth
Every breath

A Final Goodbye

Don’t you think
It’s about time
We let each other go
We’ve talked about it
A few times before
Yet never followed through
I suppose
Out of misguided obligation
Or the need to still love
The way we used to

The way we used to
Laugh and smile with our eyes
The way we used to
Love without words
The way we used to
Become one
In a caress that felt
Like smooth sand
Slowly tracing
Over the skin
Again
And
Again
Connecting
More than just flesh
More than just our hearts
More than just two souls

It was a connection
Of our lives
Together working
Towards the same dream

A long time ago
That dream split
Into two
Continuing
To love you
Won’t make it one again
I’ve got to fly towards
My destiny
And you need to stay
In yours

Just know
That when goodbye
Does finally come
And we’ve collected
The tears, the pain and the emptiness
That I’ll never forget
That smile, that comforting voice
That feeling of home
Or the ecstasy
I once thought would be impossible
For someone like me

You're Better Off....

I’ve decided
That you’re better off
With her
Because I can’t
Be controlled or manipulated
Into being an image
Subservient to your needs

You’re better off with her
Because we still want
Different things
That I won’t give up
Just to appease
Your need for dominance

You see, I don’t love you
That way
Not then
Not now
It’s not my problem
If you made
The same mistake

With her

At least she adores you
In a way
That I could never
See myself
Doing
At least she takes care of you
In that way
That I would never
Be able to force myself
Into doing

You see,
You’re better off
With her
Because even though
She doesn’t have
Your true heart
At least
She’s able
To make up
For the absence
Of mine

Karmic Circles

It’s as if we already love each other
Not the type of love you see in movies
The “happily ever after” that makes
One smile in anticipation that it just might
Be theirs someday

No, it’s a different love
A bond between two spirits
Alike in so many ways
Yet, separate from each other
Becoming complete
Through the inspiration
Of each other’s existence

It’s as if we’ve already known
This would happen
A connection
Seemingly one-sided years ago
Now more than imagination
Could’ve ever hoped
Yet, still not complete
Because there’s more
Waiting
For us to say
“Yes” to

A never-broken connection
Even as
Today has reversed
Yesterday’s roles

Me, no longer
The wide-eyed
Adult-in-training
Full of star struck
Admiration for
Part illusion
And part realness

You, no longer
Untouchable
A grown-up child
Acting out
A substitute dream
Finding the way
To an unspoken heart

Now it’s me,
A grown-up child
Releasing substitute dreams
For a rediscovered, unspoken heart
Only touchable, you think,
By my inspiring words
Which return the hope
And influence you once
Instilled in the spirit
Behind them

You,
That adult
Still in-training
Wide-eyed
And perhaps
Even a little star struck
With the manifestation
Of the illusion
You once helped portray

Growing Up Dysfunctional

You wonder why
I don't say "I love you"
You wonder why
You've never heard it
Escape from my lips
Without the coercion
From your need
To justify the absence
Of what should exist

Do you not remember
That just because we share blood
Doesn't mean that the feelings
Automatically come built-in

Do you not remember
How you made me feel unwanted
As you drove me towards the airport
A six year old child
Who in your eyes was wrong
For having the DNA of a man
You made the mistake of loving

Do you not remember
The times your words
Were so good at screaming
I was inadequate
And please don't forget
The times your hands
Were full of anger
And I had to feel
The pain for your inadequacy

Its taken me years
To realize
That it wasn't me
Who was wrong
That it was you
Who wasn't ready
For a child
Who has somehow learned
How to love herself
Despite the fact
That she was told otherwise

You see, I don't say "I love you"
Just to hear a set of empty words
That contain no feeling

I don't say "I love you"
Because I'm still angry
That you were nothing more
Than a shell
Who never seemed to really care enough
To acknowledge the truth
Or to support the dreams behind my eyes

You see, I don't say "I love you"
Because, quite simply
I don't

Returning the Favor

Back when my spirit was young
And I thought I knew everything
I would need to
And my visions of what could be
Were still in full color
Radiating their aliveness within actuality
Which they would make disappear
Into the blend of a visible horizon
And the valley beneath it

You appeared on a fabricated stage
Of wonder and disguise
I didn’t like your illusion at first
I’ll admit
But it grew on me
Until I was lost in the story
That saved me from ending mine

An end that a part of me saw
As the only way to escape
The pain that I couldn’t
Stop
from being felt
The bottles filled with those capsules
Of a promise
Of perpetual dreaming
Were there
They weren’t mine
But it didn’t matter
They stared back at me
An enticement into non-existence
I was tired of crying
And feeling my soul rip itself
Into pieces that never seemed
To fit back together
I was tired of feeling
Out of place
Until I remembered
That I wouldn’t get to see
The rest of that illusion
Play out
Or experience the light
Behind it

Now you’re back
Without the illusion
Just the light
That needs to know
How to shine again
Or perhaps you’re back
To guide me again
To who
I’m meant to become
Perhaps it really is
A case of purpose intertwined
Regardless
There is no question
That the gratitude and pleasure
Is all mine